No standout performers from the Saturday games this week – or at least not in a good way. Ian Nolan, who for the past few seasons has performed very reliably for Bolton and been repeatedly overlooked by England, suddenly decided to change tack and play like an utter muppet. It’s an approach that has certainly suited Frank Lumplard and Gareth Barry this season, so expect Nolan to get his England call-up very soon. Martin Laursen lived up to the adage that if at first you don’t succeed, try try try again by having several attempts at hacking players down in his own box before finally managing to give away a penalty. Age was a big theme this weekend – Everton’s 7-year old boy wonder Jose Baxter got another runout, whilst at Ewood Park the premier league’s youngest referee, Stuart Attwell, had made his debut. At just 25 years of age, Attwell is exactly a quarter of the age of Blackburn’s geriatric midfielder Tugay.
Everton youngster Jose Baxter celebrates Yakubu's goal with his team mates
Let’s have a look at Saturday’s matches in slightly less detail:
Stoke City 3-2 Aston Villa
Villa came crashing back to earth after demolishing Man Shitty last week, conceding an injury time goal to lose to their first away game of the season. In contrast, this game saw two milestones for Stoke as they won their first ever game in the Big League, and apparently fielded eleven players all called Faye. Rory Delap Faye was in the middle of things, being fouled by Martin Laursen at the thirty-fourth attempt to win a penalty which was converted by Liam Lawrence Faye. John Carew scored a fine equalizer after good work from internet onanist Ashley Young, before Ricardo Fuller Faye surprised everyone by showing a touch of the Denis Bergkamps in flicking the ball round a stationary Villa defender to collect it on the other side and fire a low shot past Villa goalkeeper Brad Friedel – after Tugay, possibly the world’s second oldest man. Martin Laursen continued his fine goalscoring record, walking past a Stoke City defence that were wandering about like a collection of zombie extras in a George A. Romero film to tap the ball in from about three inches out. Rory Delap Faye’s long throws continually troubled a Villa defence that always seemed to be worried about when Gareth Barry would next give the ball away, and it was no surprise when Mamady Sidibe Faye couldn’t get his back out of the way of another long throw and it bounced off him and past Freidel’s mobility scooter to score the winner.
Fulham 1-0 Arsenal
Little Britain star Matt Lucas was in the crowd for this one, and just like his TV shows there was nothing funny about Arsenal’s poor performance. Surprise new signing Mikael Silvestre was not playing but his influence certainly extended to the pitch, as the Gooners looked as sloppy and uncoordinated as a walrus wearing boxing gloves trying to drink a milkshake on a rollercoaster - Man Utd fans know exactly what I mean. Hair Bear Bullard notched his second assist in as many games, whilst Silky Oon gave such a terrific performance that he even inspired Bobby Zamora to play like an actual footballer. Unfeasibly named centre-back Brede Paulsen Hangeland crept in at a set-piece to stab home the only goal, which took a colossal effort on Arsenal’s part not to notice him as Hangeland is about thirteen feet tall. Adebayor continued the season as he started it, playing like he had bovine spongiform encephalopathy and being unable to hit a grain silo with sitar.
This is the face Adebayor pulls when he misses a sitter. Arsenal fans better get used to it.
Liverpool 2-1 Middlesbrough
Rafa Benitez surprised the Anfield crowd by selecting Dirk Kuyt instead of a footballer, whilst Boro surprised the Anfield crowd by looking much more like the home team for long periods. The Teeside club has handed a massive vote of confidence to Egyptian burger-lover Ahmed Mido by changing their away strip to Inter Milan-like stripes in an attempt to make him look thinner, and this seemed to inspire him enough to score a goal he actually meant this week with a terrific turn and shot. You’d think that the Liverpool defence would actually look less sluggish with Sami Hoopya not playing, but that certainly wasn’t the case as Boro looked dangerous up front the whole game. Jamie Carragher sent the unemployed masses in the stands into raptures with a deflected shot in the 86th minute, his fifth goal in five hundred games for the club and a strike rate that both Kuyt and Andriy Voronin would be proud of. Minutes later the crowd all had to calm down when hubcap-stealer-in-chief Steven Gerrard lashed home a satisfyingly route-one winner deep into stoppage time. Gerrard looked slightly more effective than he did on Wednesday against the Czechs, but frankly that’s only the same as saying you’d sooner sleep wth Michelle McManus than Rik Waller.
Spurs 1-2 Sunderland
Whilst it might have worked for Mido, no amount of stripes is going to make Sunderland midfield wildebeest Andy Reid look any less gigantic. That didn’t seem to trouble the Wearsiders as they brushed aside a sloppy and unfocused Spurs team. Kieran Richardson scored a terrific opener, smashing a shot past that rarest of objects – a Brazillian international footballer that no-one’s ever heard of – with his weaker foot. Gareth Bale showed what an astute judge of players Sir Alex is by missing a host of sitters – thank the Lord United didn’t sign him – whilst upfront Darren “broken, not just” Bent toiled unsuccessfully like – well, like Darren Bent. Aaron Lennon wafted a succession of trademark “pinpoint” crosses thirty feet over the heads of his team-mates whilst the poor man’s Steven Gerrard, Jermaine Jenas, did whatever it is he does on a Saturday afternoon and still manages to get paid for in scoring the equalizer. Sunderland knew that as long as the Spurs team remained on the pitch a winner wouldn’t be long in coming, and sure enough debutant substitute Lord Frodsham couldn’t get out of the way of a Darryl Murphy cross and the ball hit his head to register the winner. It was notable that Dimitar Berbatov wasn’t even on the bench for this game, leaving Spurs with no recognised strikers and only Darren Bent to pretend he’s one. One has to go back the heady days of Bontcho Guentchev for a Bulgarian striker to go missing like this – he regularly did it on the pitch whilst playing for Ipswich. The other noteworthy news is that Diouf now hasn’t been booked in two games.
West Brom 1-2 Everton
At the Hawthorns the Boing Boing Baggies Baggies were unlucky to go down to a second straight defeat to an Everton side who weren’t particularly good. Worringly for Boing Boing boss Tony Mowbray observers keep saying how unlucky they are to be beaten when they’ve played so well – if their confidence and form goes, they could be on the wrong end of some proper tonkings. Even more worrying is the current premier league trend for away strips that look like highlighter pens – Wigan last week, Everton this week, Chelsea have one too – but then it’s not like anyone expects Chelsea to have any style. By contrast West Brom’s strip is very retro – they haven’t whored out the space covering their man-boobs to an evil giant corporation like everyone else, so kudos to them. By the way, they’re having a car boot sale next week to raise funds for three new players, and all are welcome (it’ll be in the church hall if it’s raining). Yakubu had a hand in both goals, allowing a defender to disposess him easily only for the defender to give the ball away to Mikel Arteta who crossed for Leon Osman to score. Yakubu then scored his hundredth goal in English football by running in a straight line and bouncing the ball off his head. Roman Bednar scored a penalty consolation after Everton skipper Phil Neville matched his twin sister’s skills with the ball in hand – unfortunately he was in his own penalty area at the time, and not playing goal attack like Tracey has for the England netball team at two commonwealth games. By the way, did you know that Gary, Phil and Tracey’s dad is called Neville Neville?
FYI, Phil - your sister can do this but you can't. Especially not in your own penalty area.
Newcastle 1-0 Bolton
Empty seats galore at St. James’ Park as 4767 fans came to their senses and didn’t bother turning up for this borefest between long-ball merchants Bolton and “big club” Newcastle – that’s despite Mike Ashley giving away pre-game free drinks and tickets being available on the day for cash. Seriously, it’s bad enough having to watch Newcastle at any time, but if the oppostition is the Ginger Mourinho’s route-one specialists, even that grouting starts to look attractive. The game was notable only for the aforementioned Nolan’s ineptitude, and little Michael Owen showing Gareth Bale how to score a headed goal from three feet out. Owen came on as substitute for his first appearance ofthe season, replacing Ola Bambi Martins who entered the record books for being the first player in premier league history to be substituted because of boredom.
Blackburn 1-0 Hull City
Hull City continued their impressive pig-headedness by refusing to change their hideous strip. Moreover, they refused to change their unbeaten start by coming from behind to gain a point at Ewood Park and are now a point above Arsenal in the table – oh that we could say that come next May! Jason Roberts scored the opener, being unable to miss despite being Jason Roberts, whilst some Australian called Garcia scored for comeback kings Hull just 90 seconds later. What’s up, not good enough to play cricket?
This is what an Audtralian that can't play cricket looks like.
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