How to polish a turd: Britney Spears, “Womanizer”

You’ve all heard my analogy saying how a good pop song should be like a kebab: it should take about three minutes to get through, make your hands kind of sticky, and leave you feeling either happily guilty or guiltily happy at the end. However, it’s an anology that works both way; a bad pop song is aso like a bad kebab. You know straight away that there’s something wrong. There’s a bad taste in your mouth. And at the end, you’re running for the toilet.

So, welcome to my sporadic and probably short-lived series “How to polish a turd“. Viewers outside England may not recognise the metaphor here (or understand what a ‘turd’ is, but for that I can only point you to this Wikipedia page). The meaning of the phrase is this: no matter how much you shine up a lump of poo, put it in a pretty box or tie a big pink ribbon to it, it’s always just gonna be a lump of poo.

Hence the expression “to polish a turd” has come to represent the example we have here: “Womanizer“, the 24th single from Britney Spears. Spears has the single worst voice in pop music history – a nasal whine that sounds like a squirrel being put to death by an electric drill. And when they turn on the vocal effects, like they have done far too much in this song in an attempt to make it sound like she can actually sing, she just sounds like a robot doing an impression of a squirrel being put to death by an electric drill. And it doesn’t matter how many sexy outfits she wears, how many times she tosses her hair or thrusts her groin at the camera; you can’t see the video on the radio or when you’re playing the CD. All you have left is an achingly dull song that sounds like lots of the other dire stuff that has gone before. This isn’t to say she hasn’t produced some terrific (if badly-sung) pop records before now – it’s just that this isn’t one of them.

This single last for 3minutes 43seconds but trust me, you’ll be praying for the squirrel to expire long before that.

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The Calico Sessions – R&B 2323

Here’s another all-in-one mix I did some time ago. Listening back to it, I can’t remember doing it, but I can trace an evolution directly from this mix to the Shenanigans mixes that I’m producing now – tempos that go up and down mid-mix, eclectic track choices and so on. I haven’t included them in the tracklisting because they’re only samples that last for a bar or two, but there are some rock tracks that you wouldn’t expect to find in this mix, like The Clash’s “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” and AC/DC’s “Back In Black” – they are the two that come to mind, but there were others too.

I’ve decided to go with something a little different for my video choice this time – this is the Nike advert that used the Elvis Presley track that starts this mix. It’s cheesy, it’s choregraphed but it’s a lot of fun and it’s got Eric Cantona in it being a nutter. Considering it’s not that old as adverts go, it’s amazing to see how some of these footballers have completely dropped off the map (there’s only one Denilson now, eh Gooners?):

The Calico Sessions R&B 2323:

Format: mp3

Size: 32.2Mb

Audio Player:

Tracklisting:

1. Elvis – A Little Less Conversation
2. Gadjo – So Many Times
3. De La Soul – Say No Go
4. Jackson 5 – I Want You Back
5. LL Cool J – Phenomenon
6. Indeep – Last Night A DJ Saved My Life
7. Mariah Carey – Last Night A DJ Saved My life
8. Sugarhill Gang – Rapper’s Delight
9. Cypress Hill – When The Shit Goes Down
10. Beyonce – Crazy In Love
11. Amerie – 1 Thing
12. Stevie Wonder – Superstition
13. Kanye West – Gold Digger
14. Fatman Scoop – Be Faithful
15. Jamelia – Superstar
16. Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock – It Takes Two
17. Kelis – Milkshake
18. Britney Spears – My Prerogative
19. C+C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat
20. Bomb The Bass – Beat Dis
21. Beyonce – Work It OUt
22. Britney Spears – Slave 4U

Click here to download “The Calico Sessions R&B 2323″

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The Calico Sessions – R&B 1833

As people who know me will recall, I used to “work” at a bar in Chesterfield called Calico (the one that used to be called Inspirations). This series of mixtapes – called The Calico Sessions – are self-contained, much shorter mixtapes designed to take up anywhere betwen the last 10 and 30 minutes of a night so that I could walk round, say hi to people, have a drink, help tidy up or whatever. Unfortunately, Calico closed its doors recently for the very last time.

Calico, Chesterfield: Quiescat in Pace

These mixes were not created using Ableton Live, which is what I used now, and I don’t think the actual quality of the reproduction is as good as Ableton Live can produce. However, the quality was certainly fine when played in the bar so you shouldn’t have any problems when you stick it on your iPod or whatever you wish to do with it.

So! The first of the Calico Sessions mixtapes is an R&B-based mix, lasting 18 minutes 33 seconds – hence the name (it helped me work out how long I had left before the music ran out!). The video I’ve picked to go with it today is “She Wants To Move” by Nerd. The video features Alesha Dixon, and her new solo single – “The Boy Does Nothing” – is out soon and you can see the video on this blog by clicking here.

The Calico Sessions R&B 1833:

Format: mp3

Size: 17.0Mb

Audio Player:

Tracklisting:

1. Sugababes – Round Round
2. Pussycat Dolls – Don’t Cha
3. Sugarhill Gang – Rapper’s Delight
4. Britney Spears – Slave 4U
5. Charlotte Church – Call My Name
6. Jamesy P – Nookie Tonight
7. Nerd – She Wants To Move
8. Kelis – Milkshake
9. Grandmaster Flash – White Lines
10. Amerie – Touch
11. James Brown – Living In America
12. Michael Jackson – Billie Jean
13. Mariah Carey – Last Night A DJ Saved My Life
14. Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl
15. Fatboy Slim – Praise You
16. Jackson 5 – I Want You Back
17. Fatboy Slim – Gangster Trippin’
18. Faith Evans – Love Like This

Click here to download “The Calico Sessions R&B 1833″

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Shenanigans 09 – Cut & Paste Volume II Part 3

The third and final part of the mix begins with probably the strangest track I’ve used in a mix so far – “Big Bad Wolf” by Bunny and the Wolf Sisters. You might know it better as the song that Teen Wolf dances to in the school gym:

I use two separate loops from this track to construct a new backing for the acapella for “Perfect” by Princess Superstar. In the UK everyone seems to think of her as some sort of novelty rapper because “Bad Babysitter” was the biggest single out over here, but actually she’s a very talented MC, DJ and producer, not to mention being probably the most filthy-minded person ever to put words to a song:

Shenanigans 09 – Cut & Paste Volume II – Part 3:

Format: mp3

Size: 38.3Mb

Time: 20:51

Tracklisting:

Bunny And The Wolf Sisters – Big Bad Wolf
Princess Superstar – Perfect (Acapella)
Jimmy Bo Horne – Gimme Some
The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
Spankox – To The Club
Azzido Da Bass – Doom’s Night
Britney Spears – Toxic
Kylie Minogue – Love At First Sight
Depeche Mode – I Feel Loved
Infernal – Self Control
The Gossip – Listen Up!
Alcatraz – Giv Me Luv
The Rolling Stones – Under My Thumb
Beth Orton – Central Reservation
Goldfrapp – Ride A White Horse
Duran Duran – Burning The Ground

Click here to download Shenanigans 09 – Cut & Paste Volume II – Part 3

Well, that’s the final part of my most recent mix CD, I hope you like! The first two parts are available by scrolling down the blog; as are the first few parts of two other mixes (including my eighties mix CD), plus some standalone 5-minute mixes.

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Shenanigans 01

Once I’d graduated from dj-ing with vinyl and CDs to using a  PC, I started using the Ableton Live software package. I’d been using a different software package that basically simulated two decks – you could even varispeed and ‘nudge’ mp3 files to mix them. That was okay, but it was quite limiting and not very good. I heard about Ableton Live, downloaded the demo, then bought a version of Ableton Lite off eBay (which I eventually upgraded to the full thing – a much cheaper route than buying the full package).

No longer did I have to worry about short intros and outros and mismatching beats, because I could re-edit my own versions of songs I wanted. And once I started saving loops and samples of my favourite parts of records, I could start remixing them from the bottom up in a live situation – using a drum loop from one place, bassline from anoter, an acapella from a third track, and so on. I added a midi controller to operate the volume and EQ levels for up to sixteen tracks simultaneously, and that was all I needed – I didn’t even need headphones because I had a  graphic representation of the song in front of me and could see the breakdowns etc and even mark where elements of a song began and ended.

Finally, I realised that I could also mix anything in 4/4 time very easily. With Ableton you set a beat marker at the start of a bar and one at the end, and then just tell it how long to take to get from one marker to the next. So if I had a record at 120bpm, I could simply set the master tempo for 125bpm (for example) and Ableton took care of the time-stretching and key – no more speeded up records sounding like Mickey Mouse!

The Shenanigans series of mixes was born out of a desire to see how much I could push myself using Ableton – whether I could mix rock, dance, hip-hop, r&b and pop as seamlessly as I could mix dance records together. This mix, Shenanigans 01, is my very first attempt at doing that. I deliberately picked as varied a selection as I could, so in this mix you have Ocean Colour Scene and The Sugarhil gang mixed together as an opening pair, and artists that feature later include Korn and Girls Aloud, Linkin Park and Elvis Costello, Deep Dish and Elvis Presley, and so on.

I’ve split the mix into different parts to make it easier to download and find your favourite bits later. You should download all eight parts, then play them in order with no gaps between the tracks in order to get the full effect. If you put them on your iPod or press then to a CD, make sure you don’t have gaps between the tracks!

Shenanigans 01 – Part 1:

Format: mp3

Size: 7.8Mb

Time:8:21

Tracklisting:

Sugarhill Gang – Rapper’s Delight
Ocean Colour Scene – The Day We Caught The Train
Amerie – Man Up
Fun Lovin’ Criminals – Love Unlimited
M.I.A. – Galang
Survivor – Eye Of The Tiger
Usher – Yeah
AC/DC – Back In Black
Korn – Freak On A Leash
LL Cool J – Phenomenon
Embrace – Save Me
Linkin Park – In The End

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 1″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 2:

Format: mp3

Size: 6.2Mb

Time:6:41

Tracklisting:

Freestylers – B-Boy Stance
Blondie – Rapture
Daft Punk – Da Funk
Syntax – Bliss

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 2″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 3:

Format: mp3

Size: 9.5Mb

Time:10:18

Tracklisting:

Prince – Kiss
Fatboy Slim – Praise You
The Jackson 5 – I Want You Back
Elvis Presley – A Little Less Conversation
Barenaked Ladies – One Week
Michael Grey – Weekend
NERD – She Wants To Move
James – Laid
The Bucketheads – The Bomb!
Lionrock – Fire Up The Shoesaw
Britney Spears – Slave 4U
Thunderbugs – It’s About Time That You Were Mine

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 3″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 4:

Format: mp3

Size: 6.8Mb

Time:7:22

Tracklisting:

Holly Valance – Curious
Gorillaz – Dare
Felix Da Housecat – Silver Screen Shower Scene
Lenny Kravitz – Are You Gonna Go My Way?
Audio Bullys – We Don’t Care

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 4″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 5:

Format: mp3

Size: 6.6Mb

Time:7:12

Tracklisting:

Todd Terry – House Sermon
Fanny Pack – Nu Nu Yeah Yeah
Mighty Dub Katz – Magic Carpet Ride
Paul Oakenfold – Faster Kill Pussycat
Deep Dish – Sacramento
Mint Royale – Sexiest Man In Jamaica

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 5″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 6:

Format: mp3

Size: 6.7Mb

Time:7:16

Tracklisting:

The Clash – Rock The Kasbah
David Bowie – Rebel Rebel
Yer Man – Weird Therapy
Miss Kittin – Professional Distortion
Primal Scream – Rocks

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 6″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 7:

Format: mp3

Size: 10.6Mb

Time:7:37

Tracklisting:
Candi Staton – You Got The Love
Men Women & Children – Dance In My Blood
Kush – Bittersweet

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 7″ here

Shenanigans 01 – Part 8:

Format: mp3

Size: 8.9Mb

Time:9:38

Tracklisting:

Elvis Costello – Pump It Up
ESG – Dance
Nikka Costa – Funkier Than A Mosquito’s Tweeter
The Knack – My Sharona
Girls Aloud – No Good Advice

Download “Shenanigans 01 – Part 8″ here

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Music Sites – DJ Doc Rok

Or, to give it its full title, DJ Doc Rok’s Scandalous Emporium of (un)Wholesome Goodness. Fellow WordPress blogger Doc Rok is an American DJ and producer who specialises in mash-ups, and whose work has been seen on MTV and VH1. There’s a great deal of his work available to download from hs site.

Dj Doc Rok's Scandalous Emporium of (un)Wholesome Goodness

I originally read about his 50 Cent mash-up album “50 Cent’s Goldies Oldies – 50 Cent vs. The Fifties“, which fuses 50 Cent’s mumbling with beats from famous songs from the 1950’s. It’s something you really need to hear to believe. Another standout for me is the “American Zeppelin” project, which does a similar thing with Led Zeppelin and Jay-Z.

But when really piqued my interest where his long-form “Epic Mixes“, which bring together dance, roc, pop and hip-hop in much the same way as my own “Shenanigans” series. I like that people are being experimental, trying to bring all these disparate types of music together to create something very different and unexpected. You should try “Epic Mix Volume 2” which is my favourite, and features tracks from (amongst others) Depeche Mode, Nirvana, The Ting Tings, Run DMC, Katie Perry, Rage Against The Machine, Blur, Outkast, Britney Spears, Fatboy Slim, The Dandy Warhols, and Frankie Valli!

All of these ‘favourite blogs’ have a link on the right side of this page so you don’t need to find the original post to look them up. Please check Doc Rok out very soon!