No particular reason for posting this terrifically funny video by Garmonbozia333 other than, umm, it’s terrifically funny. It’s a 2:49 synopsis of the David Lynch and Mark Frost series “Twin Peaks” – presented entirely in Lego. There’s absolutely no reason for this video to exist, and yet it does, so you may as well watch it …
An Israeli doctor says, “The medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have have him out and looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That’s nothing. In my country, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him up and looking for work in four weeks.”
An English doctor says, “Ha! We can take an arsehole from Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours.”
(Insert witty caption here)
I was mystified to recieve this email in my inbox this morning:
Subject: ATTENTION PLEASE
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 02 15:38:31 Dateline Standard Time
From: “anttomm”
No 5 PARK AVENUE, G.R.A, ENUGU. ENUGU STATE,
TEL:234 90506653 TEL:874-762864162 FAX:874 762864164
{VERY URGENT BUSINESS TRANSACTION}
GREETINGS
in order to transfer out (usd$500 million dollars) from our bank. I have the courage to ask you to look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.
I am mr. Emmanuel obi, the eastern district bank manager of united bank for africa plc. (uba). We are taking control of a very badly run football club in a third world district of the world – Newcastle United of the English premiership in the English north east.
The owner of this club is mr. mike Ashley, a foreigner. No person knows how this club has come to be in a bad way but my friend Mr Shephard says it is in a very bad part of the country and the women are ugly.
In order to finalise the purchase of this time (for usd$500 million dollars) I am needing to transfer this money into the account of a westerner. All your banks are in debt so we don’t trust them.
I want to transfer this money into a safe foreigners account abroad but i don’t know any foreigner, i am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local bank here, but can only be approved to any foreign account because the money is in us dollars. I know that this message will come to you as a surprise as we don’t know our selves before, but be sure that it is real and a genuine business.
I only got your contact address from the computer with believe in god that you will never let me down in this business you are the only person that i have contacted in this business, so please reply urgently so that i will inform you the next step to take urgently. Please don’t tell the press because we have seen Newcastle bank account and it looks like a pile of the steaming dung of the elephant. I want us to see face to face or sign a binding agreement to bind us together so that you can recieve this money into a foriegn account or any account of your choice where the fund will be remmitted. And i will fly to your country for withdrawal and sharing and other investments.
I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner with foreign account and foreign beneficiary. I need your co-operation to make this work fine. Because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which i will give to you later immediately, if you are able and with capability to handle such amount in strict confidence and trust according to my instructions and advice for our mutual benefit because this opportunity will never come again in my life.
I need truthful person in this business because i don’t want to make mistake i need your strong assurance and trust. With my position now in the office i can not transfer this money to any foreigners reliable account which you can provide with assurance that this money will be intact pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing. I will destroy all documents of transaction immediately we recieve this money leaving no trace to anyplace.
You can also come to discuss with me face to face after which i will make this remittance in your presence and two of us will fly to your country at least two days ahead of the money going into your account.
I will apply for annual leave to get visa immediately i hear from you that you are ready to act and receive this fund in your account. I will use my position and influence to effect legal approvals and onward transfer of this money to your account with appropriate clearance forms of the ministries and foreign exchange departments. At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 20% of the total amount, 75% will be for me, while 5% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transfering.
I look forward to your earliest reply by mail.
yours truly,
EMMANUEL OBI.
Looks like Mike Ashley’s bid to sell Newcastle to the Nigerians has hit a sticky patch! Still, Newcastle fans will always have better times to remember:
Everyone knows that the Labour government is a mess, in every sense. Their foreign policy is based on messages that George Bush receives from God; their stance on crime and punishment is based on Hitler’s; their grasp of financial matters is worse than Nick Leeson’s; and Christ on a bike, what the hell is going off with Alistair Darling’s eyebrows? As General Melchett would have said, “Darling, get a grip of yourself!”
Anyhoo, with the Government’s coffers bled dry by old Dubya’s insistence on waging war on everyone whose name he can’t spell (Smith, Jones – you’re next!) the government has hit on a novel way of raising income. Inspired by the very nostalgic 80s-like strikes we see at Grangemouth, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is set to launch a range of “Gordie Says” T-shirts, based on the ‘Frankie Says’ T-shirts widely available the last time the UK was this far up diarrhoea drive.
Design 1: designed specifically for nurses, teachers etc.
Design 2: designed specifically for everyone that isn’t a labour fundraiser.
The T-shirts aren’t on the number 10 website as of yet; but Ad Fundum is assured that they’re due any day now. Just like a general election.
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