Marseille kept up the pressure on league leaders Lyon with a routine victory against Grenoble.
First-half goals from Hatem Ben Arfa and Bakari Kone put Eric Gerets’ side in control of the game before Benoit Cheyrou added a third late on.
Hatem Ben Arfa
Bakari Kone
Benoit Cheyrou
Everton pegged back a lacklustre Manchester United side to take a point from Saturday’s lunchtime kick-off.
In a match played out in breezy, swirly weather more befitting a December evening, Manchester United generally dominated the first half and at times produced some sparkling football that matched the efforts of recent weeks. Indeed Manchester United were unlucky only to go in 1-0 up at half-time through this fine effort from Darren Fletcher, who in recent weeks has started to add some real finesse and quality to the high workrate he was generally better known for:
The second half was so different it may as well have been two completely different teams. Wayne Rooney, who was not at his best during the first half, was so ineffective he was later subbed, whilst Dimitar Berbatov was again totally anonymous. Everton’s equaliser came from their 20-year old £15m record signing Marouane Fellaini:
Teams
Everton: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Jagielka, Lescott, Arteta, Fellaini, Osman, Pienaar, Saha (Anichebe 90), Yakubu (Vaughan 88).
Subs Not Used: Nash, Baines, Castillo, Nuno Valente, Rodwell.
Booked: Jagielka, Yobo, Fellaini.
Goals: Fellaini 63.
Man Utd: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Fletcher (Tevez 78), Giggs, Park (Anderson 67), Berbatov, Rooney (Nani 71).
Subs Not Used: Kuszczak, Neville, O’Shea, Evans.
Booked: Vidic, Rooney, Brown.
Goals: Fletcher 22.
Att: 36,069
Ref: Alan Wiley (Staffordshire).
In a shock move, David Beckham has left the world’s least competitive league and joined the collections of past-its, has-beens and never-even-weres at AC Milan. However, the date that the charity England cap collector will be able to make his debut for AC Milan is open to some doubt due to the Rossoneri’s ageist selection policy. Milan’s press officer explained further:
“We are pleased to annouce that David Beckham will shortly join AC Milan on loan from Mickey Mouse league club Los Angeles Galaxy. However, due to AC Milan’s policy of not selecting players under the age of 37, he will not be able to make his debut for another four years.”
Find further details on the story on the BBC website:
BBC SPORT | Football | Europe | Beckham to join AC Milan on loan
October 21st: two poacher’s goals from Dimitar Berbatov and another fine strike from Wayne Rooney saw the European Champions smash a lacklustre Celtic side at Old Trafford last night. The game also saw another assured and mature performance from young Jonny Evans, standing in at centre-backfor the injured Rio Ferdinand.
Barcelona trounced visitors Atletico Madrid 6-1 at the Nou Camp on Saturday to move into second place behind Villarreal in the Primera Liga. There’s not really much you can say about a performance that leaves you 5-1 down before you’ve even got 30 minutes showing on the referee’s watch, so sit back and enjoy Barca clicking into top gear:
| Barcelona | 6-1 (HT 5-1) |
Atletico Madrid |
| Marquez 3 Eto’o (pen) 6 Messi 9 Eto’o 18 Gudjohnsen 28 Henry 73 |
Maxi 13 | |
| Bookings: Henry 65 |
Bookings: Maxi 9 Heitinga 33 Antonio Lopez 32 Ujfalusi 52 Aguero 55 |
Read the full article at Football Feed Article | Football | guardian.co.uk.
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Just as I had lots of people finding my blog when fellow Brazillian wonderkid Rodrigo Possebon made Manchester United’s first team, I anticipate that people will go in search of info on teenage Brazillian right-back Rafael Da Silva after tonight’s confident first start against Aalborg.
Rafael and his twin Fabio. If you know which is which, answers on a postcard to the usual address, please.
Wikipedia’s entry on him is as good a place to start as any:
“Rafael Pereira da Silva (born 9 July 1990 in Petrópolis, Rio de Janeiro), commonly known as Rafael or Rafael da Silva, is a Brazilian football player, currently playing for Manchester United. He normally plays as a defender in a right-back position, but can also play on the right side of midfield. He is the twin brother of Fábio, who also plays for Manchester United.”
Fabio plays at left-back, and the two brothers are identical in both looks and style – miniature Cafus or Roberto Carlos’. The boys were spotted playing for Brazil U17s in a tournament in Hong Kong and at that time were on the books of Fluminense. A transfer to United followed and this summer they were finally free to play for United and both have made rapid strides. As of the game against Aalborg Fabio is nursing a shoulder injury, but it shouldn’t be long before Fabio is pushing Evra, and with no real back-up at left-back Fabio’s presence is very welcome.
This video features the twins in pre-season action for United. When you watch, remember that they only turned 18 in July, and have only been at United a few weeks!
From today’s Guardian website:
“Sheffield United will tell West Ham there is no chance they will agree to go before the Court of Arbitration for Sport as the east London club fight to avoid paying a potentially crippling compensation bill of £30m over the Carlos Tevez affair. And, despite one board member calling the FA tribunal’s decision ‘ludicrous’ and West Ham being contacted by other Premier League clubs who are concerned at the ‘chaos’ caused by the verdict, it has emerged there is little prospect of overturning the judgment even at the High Court.”
Sheff Utd chairman Kevin McCabe
Well no shit Sherlock! Why on earth would Sheffield United want to give West Ham United another chance to squirm their way out of the consequences of actions that they took readily and willingly, in a cold and calculated fashion?
West Ham’s top brass knew what they were doing when they signed Tevez and Mascherano. When the day of reckoning came, they were happy to lie and cheat to escape punishment for wrongdoings that they eventually had to admit to. Their punishment? A £25million pound bonus. The £5million slap on the wrist came out of money that wasn’t even theirs, so where’s the punishment? How is keeping £25million any sort of punishment whatsoever?
I’m amused at the line “West Ham being contacted by other Premier League clubs who are concerned at the ‘chaos’ caused by the verdict“. This suggests to me that other teams in the premier league are worried that they too won’t be able to get away with cheating! There wouldn’t be any chaos if even one person involved in hearing the case had a spine, but they wimped out of making a decision and now their incompetence has come back to haunt them.
Read the full story:
Football: Sheffield United tell West Ham: ‘no chance’ of appeal | Football | The Observer
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(Postscript: I just want to make it perfectly clear that I’m not a Sheffield United fan. It should be perfectly clear from the extreme bias displayed on the blog that I am a Manchester United fan – just look at the tag cloud! I just think that West Ham United cheated and knew about it; Sheffield United have been cheated and nothing has been done about it! The principle of ex dolo malo non oritur actio applies here in West Ham’s case – they are trying to profit from fraud, and this is, or should be, unacceptable.)
Crisis junkies Newcastle United have been in talks with stalwart firefighter Terry Venables about an interim appointment after Kevin Keegan’s latest diva strop. Ad Fundum asks the question that’s on the lips of everyone who likes to take the piss out of Geordies:
“Which is worse – Kevin Keegan or Terry Venables?”
King Kev or El Tel?
Well, obviously the first thing to do would be to compare the honours they havve won throughout their managerial careers:
Kevin Keegan:
Managerial career started: 1992 (16 years)
Honours won: Old Division One winner, 1991-92 and 2001-02; old Division Two winner, 1998-99
Patheticness rating (trophies won / years as manager): 0.1875
Terry Venables:
Managerial career started: 1976 (32 years)
Honours won: La Liga, 1984-85; FA Cup, 1991
Patheticness rating: 0.0625
(Just for comparison’s sake, no other reason of course, Sir Alex’s rating is 1.6875 – 54 trophies in 32 years)
Hmmm. They’re both shite! Five trophies in 48 years between them is not great. Seems like the best thing to do is test them on their powers away from football. So, up first on the Russel Harty show from 1974, is Terry Venables ’singing’ “What Do You Want To Make Those Eyes At Me For” (watch the reactions of the crowd!):
And up last – Kevin Keegan’s 1979 single “Head Over Heels In Love”, which reached #31 in the charts (but went top ten in Germany, where of course David Hasselhoff has a spectacular singing career):
Your choice readers: Keegan or Venables – which is worse?
Q: What’s the difference between our stag trip to Brighton, and Manchester City’s trip to the Withdean last night in the Carling Cup?
A: We left with great memories!
You crazy kids.
There was a shock at the Withdean Stadium last night as Brighton – who at the weekend lost at home to 9-man Wallsall, the only Polish team in the league – knocked out Manchester Shitty’s bungling billionaires, leaving the new owners distinctly non-plussed:
The sheep were said to be particularly upset by Michael Ball's weak spot kick.
A very even match saw Shitty go in front, only for Brighton to equalise a minute from time; then the home side took the lead and it was the turn of Shitty to come from behind (fnah fnah). With the match standing level 2-2 at full-time, it was left to penalties to decide the loser, and it was Shitty who triumphed at being rubbish. Michael Ball’s pathetically weak spot kick barely had the strength to roll as far as home goalie Kuipers. My tip for Michael Ball? On your next penalty, try using as much force as you did when you stamped on Cristiano Ronaldo in the Manchester derby you so humiliatingly lost:
Cheat.
Match highlights coming as soon as somebody uploads them to YouTube!
UPDATED: Now includes both the Pogatetz tackle on Rodrigo Possebon, and the restored match highlights.
Manchester United’s comfortable 3-1 victory over Middlesbrough on Tuesday night will be remembered not for the first start of the season for Cristiano Ronaldo, but for an horrific, possibly leg-breaking challenge by the visiting captain Emanuel Pogatetz on young United midfielder Rodrigo Possebon.
Possebon was stretchered off after nine minutes of treatment
The game was in the 66th minute when Pogatetz scythed into Possebon, taking the young Brazillian out with his trailing leg. A huge gash was immediately obvious, and Possebon had to recieve nine minutes worth of treatment on the pitch before being taken to hospital with a suspected broken leg which could keep him out for several months.
Footage of the tackle:
Pogatetz is well-known for his thuggery on the pitch. This is his third red card for Boro, and he was once banned for 24 weeks whilst playing in Russia for leaving an opposing player with a double leg fracture. Let’s hope that the FA have the guts to do something about this tackle and reward it with a suitable punishment, rather than the way they wimped out of extending Danny Guthrie’s challenge on Craig Fagan which left the Hull man with a broken leg.
Of the match itself, United cruised to a 3-1 victory courtesy of goals from Cristiano Ronaldo, Ryan Giggs and Nani, and a debut appearance as substitute for African striker Manucho:
Match details:
Man Utd: Amos, Rafael Da Silva, Vidic, Brown, O’Shea, Nani, Possebon (Gibson 72), Anderson, Giggs (Manucho 84), Welbeck, Ronaldo (Tevez 61).
Subs Not Used: Zieler, Cleverley, Gray, Eckersley.
Goals: Ronaldo 25, Giggs 79, Nani 90.
Middlesbrough: Jones, Hoyte, Wheater, Pogatetz, Taylor, Downing, Digard (Riggott 72), O’Neil, Shawky (Adam Johnson 46), Aliadiere, Alves (Emnes 85).
Subs Not Used: Turnbull, Arca, Walker, Craddock.
Sent Off: Pogatetz (66).
Booked: Adam Johnson.
Goals: Adam Johnson 56.
Att: 53,729
Ref: Andre Marriner (W Midlands).
When tonight’s Carling Cup match reports appear in tomorrow’s papers, there will be a few people looking at the Manchester United and thinking, “What the – why is Ryan Giggs still getting picked?” Then after that, they’ll probably say, “Danny Welbeck? Never heard of him.”
Danny Welbeck
Well, Danny Welbeck is one of the next wave of future Manchester United worldbeaters. Born in Manchester on 1st July 1990, he has already impressed the coaching staff. He’s travelled with the first team and been substitute in many matches, especially in Europe, and tonight’s game against Middlesborough is his first start. He’s a fast and skillful centre-forward, two footed and happy with the ball at his feet.
This footage is taken from the Manchester United player of the year awards, where Danny was awarded the Academy Player of the Year Award. There’s an word from the player himself, a glowing testimonial from his manager and a highlights package which showcases Danny’s skills.
And finally, this footage is taken froma reserve team fixture against Manchester Shitty screened live on MUTV and shows Danny’s superb hat-trick.
In the next few days, I’ll hopefuly post some footage about some of United’s other young stars – the Brazillian twins Fabio and Rafael Da Silva, and the Italian striking duo Federico Macheda and Davide Petrucci.
I was mystified to recieve this email in my inbox this morning:
Subject: ATTENTION PLEASE
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 02 15:38:31 Dateline Standard Time
From: “anttomm”
No 5 PARK AVENUE, G.R.A, ENUGU. ENUGU STATE,
TEL:234 90506653 TEL:874-762864162 FAX:874 762864164
{VERY URGENT BUSINESS TRANSACTION}
GREETINGS
in order to transfer out (usd$500 million dollars) from our bank. I have the courage to ask you to look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.
I am mr. Emmanuel obi, the eastern district bank manager of united bank for africa plc. (uba). We are taking control of a very badly run football club in a third world district of the world – Newcastle United of the English premiership in the English north east.
The owner of this club is mr. mike Ashley, a foreigner. No person knows how this club has come to be in a bad way but my friend Mr Shephard says it is in a very bad part of the country and the women are ugly.
In order to finalise the purchase of this time (for usd$500 million dollars) I am needing to transfer this money into the account of a westerner. All your banks are in debt so we don’t trust them.
I want to transfer this money into a safe foreigners account abroad but i don’t know any foreigner, i am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local bank here, but can only be approved to any foreign account because the money is in us dollars. I know that this message will come to you as a surprise as we don’t know our selves before, but be sure that it is real and a genuine business.
I only got your contact address from the computer with believe in god that you will never let me down in this business you are the only person that i have contacted in this business, so please reply urgently so that i will inform you the next step to take urgently. Please don’t tell the press because we have seen Newcastle bank account and it looks like a pile of the steaming dung of the elephant. I want us to see face to face or sign a binding agreement to bind us together so that you can recieve this money into a foriegn account or any account of your choice where the fund will be remmitted. And i will fly to your country for withdrawal and sharing and other investments.
I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner with foreign account and foreign beneficiary. I need your co-operation to make this work fine. Because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which i will give to you later immediately, if you are able and with capability to handle such amount in strict confidence and trust according to my instructions and advice for our mutual benefit because this opportunity will never come again in my life.
I need truthful person in this business because i don’t want to make mistake i need your strong assurance and trust. With my position now in the office i can not transfer this money to any foreigners reliable account which you can provide with assurance that this money will be intact pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing. I will destroy all documents of transaction immediately we recieve this money leaving no trace to anyplace.
You can also come to discuss with me face to face after which i will make this remittance in your presence and two of us will fly to your country at least two days ahead of the money going into your account.
I will apply for annual leave to get visa immediately i hear from you that you are ready to act and receive this fund in your account. I will use my position and influence to effect legal approvals and onward transfer of this money to your account with appropriate clearance forms of the ministries and foreign exchange departments. At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 20% of the total amount, 75% will be for me, while 5% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transfering.
I look forward to your earliest reply by mail.
yours truly,
EMMANUEL OBI.
Looks like Mike Ashley’s bid to sell Newcastle to the Nigerians has hit a sticky patch! Still, Newcastle fans will always have better times to remember:
Editor’s note: This is a reposting of a classic post from the Ad Fundum archives.
Louis Saha missed Manchester United’s game with Chelsea today due to an unfortunate injury, reports say.
Saha was eating peanuts in the kitchen of his poorly-decorated house, once the subject of an MTV Cribs ‘documentary’. An errant peanut dropped into Saha’s lap and he flicked it up into the air, intending to catch it in his mouth.
Man United fans will not be surprised to learn that despite his mouth being approximately 1000% larger than the peanut and the distance between the two being a matter of four or five inches, Saha completely missed catching the peanut, it landing instead on the side of his head. Saha, well known for being as brittle as a newborn baby and having the upper-body strength of candy floss, never stood a chance.
The peanut bore into the side of his head, the velocity causing it to pass through the soft tissue of his skull deep into his head. He wanted to call an ambulance to take him to hospital in France, but Sir Alex Ferguson turned him upside down and shook the peanut out.
An x-ray of the hole that the peanut left as it passed through Saha’s skull
As a result of his injury,Louis Saha will now be out of action until 21st July 2017, whereupon Man Utd will doubtlessly hand him a new contract, as they keep doing despite him being past his best and being far too injury-prone.
Editors note: This is a reposting of one of the classic stories from the Ad Fundum archives.
Manchester United’s £13m (that’s the cost of his medical bills so far this month) French International striker Louis Saha will miss this weekend’s closing fixture against Wigan with an unfortunate injury.
As his teammates will be beating Wigan whilst wearing blindfolds and with their arms tied behind their backs (thus preventing the Chelski Chumps from buying another trophy), Louis Saha will be spending the weekend in hospital having a coke bottle removed from his rear end.
The facts in the matter are these. As you would imagine from a highly-paid premiership footballer, Louis Saha has a great deal of sympathy for people who earn less than him – nurses, teachers, The Rolling Stones – and resolved to join a local protest against Gordon Brown’s decision to scrap the 10% tax rate.
Saha immediately drew a poster of support using an A4 piece of paper and the crayons that Carlos Quierozzz gave him for Christmas and set off along Cheadle and Hume High Street with the rest of the protesters. After travelling 30 metres, which is almost five times the amount of ground he covers during a premiership match, he was on the verge of dehydration and had to stop to buy a bottle of coke. Obviously the top was screwed tightly on, and with Saha having the upper body strength of a dead Lhasa Apso, he had to put down the A4 poster he was carrying and concentrate all his might on unscrewing the bottle.
In less than ninety minutes he’d managed to prise open the bottle, which is no small surprise because it takes him far longer to prise open even the most amateur premiership defence. Careful not to tax himself, he enjoyed a drink and set his coke bottle down on the road and went to pick up his simple poster. And that was when disaster struck.
Perhaps it was the heat, perhaps it was the combined weight of the piece of paper and the wax crayon daubs, perhaps it was the fact that Louis Saha couldn’t beat dandruff in a wrestling contest, but Saha quickly collapsed in a heap under the weight of the paper. Unfortunately, the coke bottle was still underneath him when he collapsed:
Saha's x-ray image
Saha suffered multiple fractures as a result of being trapped underneath a piece of A4 paper, so the bottle cannot be removed until he has recovered from the fractures. Doctors estimate that Saha will be fully recovered by August 2021, at which time Manchester United will doubtless offer him a new contract, despite him having the attacking prowess of a ball of wool.
From the BBC:
“Theo Walcott hit a stunning hat-trick as England thrashed Croatia in a World Cup qualifying tie in Zagreb.
The 19-year-old got the nod to start ahead of David Beckham and he drilled England ahead, before Robert Kovac was sent off for an elbow on Joe Cole.
Walcott grabbed a carbon-copy second and soon after the exceptional Wayne Rooney slotted in a brilliant third.
Mario Mandzukic notched a consolation for Croatia, before Walcott collected Rooney’s pass and rolled in his third.”
So, a great result than from Fabio’s boys. A terrific hat-trick from Theo Walcott and a sublime allround performance which bodes well for Saturday’s match at Anfield, seeing as I’ve just put Wazza in my fantasy league team.
The one disappointing part of the night was Croatia’s goal. England “captain”, John Terry, fails to win a simple header on the half way line and then, when he sees he can’t catch the Croatian, falls to ground like Robert Pires. The Radio 5 commentators were furious at him, but then 5 Live commentator Alan Green is furious at everyone alll the time; he’s the only person that’s ever right about anything, in his opinion!
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The big news of the day (night) was Dimitar Berbatov’s transfer to Manchester United. After a summer spent shedding dead weight and young players that weren’t going to make the grade, United finally flexed their muscles to bring in the Bulgarian superstar:
Meanwhile, over at Manchester’s second club, Stockport County had a quiet transfer deadline day. No doubt Stockport boss Jim Gannon will be concentrating on Tuesday night’s important Johnstone’s Paint Trophy tie against Port Vale. With Tommy Rowe, Dom Blizzard, Jason Taylor, Matty McNeil and Johnny Mullins all likely to miss the tie, Stockport will be severely weakened.
In the lower leagues, Manchester Shitty delighted their literally dozens of supporters with the news that they had signed Brazillian international stropper Robinho.
Robinho hands in a written transfer request in a mature, adult manner.
Robinho, who cost a set of new tracksuits and a starter motor for a Datsun 720, can sulk on either either the right or left wing and occasionally pout in a central role and is expected to provide cover for Darius Vassell.
We caught Robinho’s final press conference at Real Red Lion, the Spanish pub team for whom he used to play. We’re not experts at Portugese but with the help of a phrase book and a lot of downright lies, the full text of Robinho’s farewell statement probably went something like this:
“I am very happy to be coming to play for Manchester City. Ever since I was a little boy it has been my dream to follow in the footsteps of Tommy Caton, Paul Power and Michel Vonk. Back in Brazil as a little boy, my village once ate nothing but shoe leather for a whole month to save up and buy me a VHS video tape of the 1970 European Cup Winners’ Cup Final against Gornik Zabrze. When it arrived, we found we only had a Betamax video player and my uncle’s cousin’s aunt’s sister died of shame. Now that I am here, I am determined to help Manchester City overcome the heartbreak of losing the 1986 Full Members’ Cup Final.”
Robinho at his final press conference for Real Red Lion.
The final day of the transfer window panned out like this for premier league clubs:
IN: -
OUT: -
IN: -
OUT: -
IN: – Mark Bunn (Northampton Town, undisclosed)
OUT: -
IN: -
OUT: Blerim Dzemaili (Torino, loan), Rachid Bouaouzan (N.E.C. Nijmegen, loan)
IN: -
OUT: -
IN: – Louis Saha (Manchester United, undisclosed), Carlo Nash (Wigan Athletic, undisclosed), Marouane Fellaini (Standard Liege, £15 million)
OUT: -
IN: Julian Gray (Coventry City, loan)
OUT: – Collins John (N.E.C. Nijmegen, free transfer), Alexei Smertin (released)
IN: Kamil Zayatte (Young Boys, season-long loan), Daniel Cousin (Rangers, undisclosed)
OUT: -
IN: Vitor Flora (Botafogo, free transfer), Albert Riera (Espanyol, undisclosed)
OUT: Steve Finnan (Espanyol, undisclosed), Andriy Voronin (Hertha Berlin, season-long loan)
IN: Robinho (Real Madrid, £32.5million)
OUT: Vedran Corluka (Tottenham Hotspur, undisclosed)
IN: Dimitar Berbatov (Tottenham Hotspur, £30.75million)
OUT: – Louis Saha (Everton, undisclosed), Fraizer Campbell (Tottenham Hotspur, loan)
IN: -
OUT: Jonathan Grounds (Norwich City, loan)
IN: Ignacio Gonzalez (Valencia, loan), Xisco (Deportivo La Coruna, undisclosed)
OUT: -
IN: – Nadir Belhadj (Lens, loan)
OUT: Martin Cranie (Charlton, loan)
IN: – Danny Higginbotham (Sunderland, undisclosed), Tom Soares (Crystal Palace, undisclosed), Michael Tonge (Sheffield United, undisclosed)
OUT: Jon Parkin (Preston North End, undisclosed)
IN: George McCartney (West Ham United undisclosed)
OUT: – Danny Higginbotham (Stoke City, undisclosed)
IN: Roman Pavlyuchenko (Spartak Moscow, £13.8million) , Vedran Corluka (Manchester City, undisclosed), Fraizer Campbell (Manchester United, loan)
OUT: Dimitar Berbatov (Manchester United, £30.75million)
IN: Jonas Olsson (NEC Nijmegen, £800,000), Ryan Donk (AZ Alkmaar, loan)
OUT: -
IN: -
OUT: -
IN: -
OUT: – Carlo Nash (Everton, undisclosed), Antoine Sibierski (Norwich City, loan)
Or: I love it when a plan comes together!
"I love it when a plan comes together."
So far I’ve had a fairly crapulent start to the season, but my collection of ill-chosen misfits all came good this weekend. Even my goalkeeper got an assist!
Arsenal 3-0 Newcastle
The crisis at Newcastle grows ever more serious – this week they were forced to field Shola Ameobi up front. It wasn’t all plain sailing for the gooners as Emmanuel Adebayor received a series of straight 6.0 scores from the judges for his impression of Shola Ameobi – frankly neither of them could hit a grain silo with a sitar. Toon chief bungler Kevin Keegan gave Ghengis Barton a quick run out before he starts his eighteen game ban, or whatever it is the FA hand down to him, and he was quickly into the action with a wretched lunge on Samir Nasri. Keegan was quick to imagine some retaliatory offence by Nasri on Barton which he then whinged about – check out the YouTube highlights while you still can. Goals came from Robin van Persie (don’t rush to get him in your team, he went off with an ankle injury moments after he should have scored a third) whilst Denilson got the other. Shola Adebayor chipped in with two assists and fell over a lot after running into trouble.
Barton on Nasri
Nasri – supposedly – on Barton
Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Eboue (Walcott 72), Fabregas, Denilson (Song Billong 69), Nasri, Adebayor, Van Persie (Vela 63).
Subs Not Used: Fabianski, Ramsey, Djourou, Bendtner.
Booked: Fabregas, Nasri.
Goals: Van Persie 18 pen, 41, Denilson 59.
Newcastle: Given, Coloccini, Jose Enrique (Bassong 44), Taylor, Gutierrez (Barton 89), Guthrie, Butt, Beye (Edgar 89), N’Zogbia, Owen, Ameobi.
Subs Not Used: Harper, Tozer, Donaldson, Ranger.
Booked: Coloccini, Given.
Aston Villa 0-0 Liverpool
I’ll be honest – I didn’t watch the game. We went to visit my folks, played with the neices and nephew for a while and then watched an episode of “Blake’s 7″:
The boys are back in... the eighties.
But it was a really good episode (“The Web”) from early in the first series. It’s only the second episode since Blake’s lot took control of the Liberator. Cally was telepathically taken over and took the Liberator to an uncharted planet where evil scientists from Cally’s people are performing genetic experiments. They entangle the Liberator in a giant space-web and Blake can only get it free with their help – but they want something from him first. They want some power packs so they can nuke the botched results of their experiments, who by this time have formed their own society and look suspiciously like kids with hedges on their heads. Blake gets away and the evil scientists get squished by the results of their own experiments. Anyway, there was apparently a game at Villa Park notable only for an injury to Fernando Torres. Liverpool had two others strikers on the pitch (Keane and Kuyt) playing out of position, and Ryan Babel on the bench. But instead Rafa Benitez brought on a 19 year old who couldn’t even get into Paris St. Germain’s first team last season. Lost the plot already, methinks.
Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young (Milner 64), Laursen, Davies, Shorey (Gardner 79), Reo-Coker, Petrov, Barry, Ashley Young, Carew, Agbonlahor.
Subs Not Used: Guzan, Harewood, Knight, Salifou, Routledge.
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Skrtel, Dossena, Kuyt (Aurelio 70), Alonso, Mascherano, Leiva Lucas, Keane (Benayoun 79), Torres (Ngog 30).
Subs Not Used: Cavalieri, Agger, Babel, El Zhar.
Booked: Skrtel, Dossena.
West Ham 4-1 Blackburn
The Upton Park fans were spoilt for choice; should they boo currrent boss Alan Curbishley, the players on show for Alan’s Average ‘Ammers, or former “player” Paul Ince. Ince has done well to change the team he inherited so fast – they’re already a lot easier to score against and a lot less comitted than under Mark Hughes. By the time the fourth goal went in Rovers were already walking about and didn’t look to be giving a toss. Callum Davenport – who is to defending what Fred West was to hitch-hiking – surprisingly opened the scoring before Jason Roberts equalised. Roberts then missed a penalty, and it’s fair to say that it was the worst penalty since John Terry’s in Moscow. In case you need to see Terry’s penalty miss again, here it is:
West Ham: Green, Behrami, Davenport, Upson, Neill, Faubert (McCartney 60), Parker, Noble (Mullins 81), Etherington, Cole, Ashton (Bellamy 69).
Subs Not Used: Lastuvka, Boa Morte, Reid, Sears.
Booked: Bellamy.
Goals: Davenport 12, Samba 20 og, Cole 90, Bellamy 90.
Blackburn: Robinson, Ooijer, Samba, Nelsen, Warnock, Emerton, Reid, Grella (Andrews 46), Pedersen (Treacy 66), Roque Santa Cruz (Derbyshire 29), Roberts.
Subs Not Used: Brown, Mokoena, Villanueva, Simpson.
Booked: Grella, Roberts, Ooijer, Emerton, Nelsen.
Goals: Roberts 22.
Bolton 0-0 West Brom
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Andrew O’Brien, Shittu, Samuel, Joey O’Brien (Riga 14), McCann, Muamba, Gardner, Nolan, Davies. Subs Not Used: Al Habsi, Hunt, Helguson, Vaz Te, Dzemaili, Fojut.
Booked: Nolan, McCann.
West Brom: Carson, Zuiverloon, Meite (Hoefkens 46), Barnett, Robinson, Borja Valero (Cech 58), Koren (MacDonald 70), Greening, Morrison, Kim, Miller. Subs Not Used: Kiely, Bednar, Brunt, Moore.
Booked: Robinson, MacDonald.
Chelsea 1-1 Spurs
The wheels are coming off the big Phill bandwagon. Yes, they were outstanding on the opening day against a spineless Portsmouth team; they were lucky against Wigan; today they were neither outstanding nor particularly lucky. Balletti scored a fluke opener after a miscued clearence by Darren “broken, not just” Bent, but Bent saved the day with a good finish through Petr Cech’s legs. On this showing, they really need a certain petulant Brazillian who can spit his dummy 400 yards.
Chelsea: Cech, Belletti (Kalou 75), Carvalho, Terry, Ashley Cole, Bosingwa, Essien, Lampard, Joe Cole (Malouda 65), Deco, Anelka (Di Santo 88).
Subs Not Used: Cudicini, Bridge, Ferreira, Alex.
Booked: Deco, Joe Cole, Bosingwa.
Goals: Belletti 28.
Tottenham: Gomes, Zokora, Woodgate, King, Gunter (Huddlestone 62), Bentley (O’Hara 72), Jenas, Modric, Bale, Giovani (Lennon 59), Bent.
Subs Not Used: Cesar, Gilberto, Dawson, Assou-Ekotto.
Goals: Bent 45.
Everton 0-3 Portsmouth
Everton’s world was rocked by a Portsmouth side who finally remembered what the purpose of a football team was. For Everton Phil Jagiellka started in midfield instead of defence, but they immediately wished he hadn’t as Jermain Defoe wriggled through relatively unhindered by defenders to score the first. Defoe then linked with Glen Johnson whole stole a toilet seat from B&Q – oh no, that was in January 2007. Defoe linked with Johnson to score the second, before chipping Tim Howard to score Pompey’s third. Yakubu took time off from standing still in an offside position to horribly miss a penalty. Time to get either Defoe or Crouch in before the price goes up too much, I reckon.
Everton: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Lescott, Baines, Arteta, Rodwell, Jagielka, Osman (Baxter 71), Yakubu, Vaughan (Anichebe 58).
Subs Not Used: Turner, Jacobsen, Nuno Valente, Kissock, Wallace.
Booked: Baines.
Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Kaboul, Campbell, Distin, Diop, Davis (Mvuemba 90), Diarra, Armand Traore (Hreidarsson 77), Crouch, Defoe (Utaka 76).
Subs Not Used: Ashdown, Lauren, Sahar, Djimi Traore.
Goals: Defoe 12, Johnson 40, Defoe 69.
Hull 0-5 Wigan
In the day’s big rugby match Bernard Cribbins’ side coasted to an easy victory. All eleven Wigan warriors had a good game, whilst Hull… will be glad to get the game out of the way. Zaki scored twice, Valencia and Email Heskey scored once with Hull adding an own goal. Even Chris Kirkland got an assist, although it doesn’t look like it’s been credited to him.
Hull: Myhill, Ricketts, Brown, Turner, Dawson (Mendy 71), Fagan, Ashbee, Marney, Garcia (Barmby 60), Geovanni (Windass 56), Folan.
Subs Not Used: Duke, Hughes, Halmosi, Cooper.
Booked: Ashbee.
Wigan: Kirkland, Melchiot, Boyce, Bramble, Figueroa, Valencia, Palacios, Cattermole (Kapo 79), Kilbane (Brown 56), Heskey (Camara 85), Zaki.
Subs Not Used: Pollitt, Koumas, De Ridder, Kupisz.
Goals: Ricketts 5 og, Valencia 13, Zaki 63, Heskey 68, Zaki 81.
Middlesbrough 2-1 Stoke
In the end, Boro should have had this game wrapped up much earlier. Penalty-miss king Gareth Southgate is quietly building a young and effective outfit, and if Alves, Tuncay, Downing and Aliadiere were slightly less profligate, Stoke would have been buried by half-time.
Middlesbrough: Turnbull, Hoyte (Taylor 72), Wheater, Huth, Pogatetz, Aliadiere, Shawky (Digard 61), O’Neil, Downing, Alves (Mido 76), Sanli
Subs not used: Steele, Riggott, Emnes, Adam Johnson
Booked: O’Neil, Huth
Goals: Alves 37, Sanli 85
Stoke: Sorensen, Griffin, Cort, Abdoulaye Faye, Dickinson (Wilkinson 67), Lawrence, Olofinjana, Amdy Faye, Delap, Kitson (Cresswell 83), Fuller (Sidibe 74).
Subs Not Used: Simonsen, Whelan, Diao, Buxton.
Sent Off: Amdy Faye (36).
Booked: Griffin, Fuller, Lawrence, Wilkinson.
Goal: Hoyte 71 og.
Portsmouth 0-1 Manchester United
United cruised to a victory at Fratton Park by a one goal margin that flattered the hosts. With Papa Wop Bop a Loo Bop again deployed on the right wing and Useless Kaboul at centre-back, Portsmouth never looked comfortable. Their fans will have cause for optimism on an improved performance from the game against Chelseas last week – last week they were pathetic, whereas here they were just comically inept. It was difficult to work out Pompey’s strategy in a formation that saw a centre-back at left-back, a left-back on the left wing and a defensive midfielder on the right wing. Peter Crouch has now gone two games without touching the ball (which is hardly a surprise, he’s in my fantasy league team) whilst Portsmouth’s standout performer was John O’Shea.
United on the other hand were terrific, full of movement and imagination going forward and resolute in defence. In the last week Carlos Tevez has suffered a family bereavement, flown to Argentina for the funeral, flown to Belarus to play for Argentina in a friendly, and was man of the match by some distance. He’s just like Kenny Dalglish – he’s got a big fat arse and he’s difficult to shake off the ball. Mr. Anderson was in Beijing just a few hours ago – by his body clock, it would be four in the morning – and played an excellent 75 minutes before being replaced by another one of our teenage Brazillian army, the big-haired Sideshow Possebon.
Separated at birth - Ugly Betty(left) and Carlos Tevez (right)
The game’s only goal was probably scored by Darren Fletcher although it might go down as an own goal, assist by Patrice Evra (did you know he had 25 brothers and sisters?). Fletcher and O’Shea picked up bookings for the Champions, whilst Jermain Defoe and Papa Wop Bop a Loo Bop were booked for Pompey – that wasDefoe’s only kick of the night.
Friday sees the mighty Reds off to Monaco to play in the European Super Cup (which United once won against Red Star Belgrade – I went to watch the game, but missed Brian McClair’s goal after ninety seconds because I was in the club shop buying a flag) before their next two league games – away at Anfield (guaranteed three points, like every season) and away at Stamford Bridge!
Wigan 0-1 Chelsea
Didn’t see this game because it wasn’t on TV, so don’t have much to report. The goal came couresty of a 25-yard free kick from Deco (bought for less than half the price of Gareth Barry) with Ricardo Carvalho getting a yellow. Those bookies who were ready to pay out on Chelsea winning the league should think again; by all accounts Chelsea were very poor overall and Ashley Cole is a git.
Man Shitty 3-0 West Ham
It was my intention to watch the whole game in order to bring you the fullest report; unfortunately I caught some of Alan Curbishley’s pre-match banter and didn’t wake up until the game was twenty minutes old. The game resulted in a humdrum 3-0 stroll for Shitty at the Fortress of Ineptitude against Alan’s Average ‘Ammers. The blues gave a debut to Vincent Kompany, so long the darling of Championship Manager fans everywhere, who was brilliant and looked like he’d spent his entire career in the premier league. By contrast, roly-poly Ben Tal Haim looked like he’d spent his whole career at Shitty; he conspired with Micah Richards to provide the comic moment of the match when they both went for a routine header, missed the ball and banged foreheads. This resulted in Richards being carried off on a stretcher after a long delay, meaning that the match ended with 100:14 on the clock.
Tal ben Haim reveals that, deep down, he's still a Chelsea fan.
Carlton Cole apparently started up front for the Londoners but came off after thirty minutes, which was a surprise because most managers would sub him well before then. In goal Robert Green flapped about like a dolphin caught in the Severn estuary to little noticeable effect. If he did play for a big club or Chelsea, Green still wouldn’t play for England – it’s just that his errors would get more coverage. At right-back was new West Ham signing Valon Behrami, who apparently is nicknamed “the Swiss David Beckham” and on this display it’s not difficult to see why – his best days look to have been about nine seasons ago as well.
Once Mark Noble (surely heir apparent to Lee Bowyer as the most brainless thug in the premier league) received the first red card of the new season, the game was over. The Hammers were lucky not to concede a penalty when the most over-rated player in the league, Lucas Neill, handled the ball but he still managed to contribute to his team’s downfall by getting skinned twice by Stephen Ireland, who got two assists by pulling back balls for Elano Bloomer to score twice – he’s now on three for the season. Daniel Sturridge proved that he’s nothing like his Uncle Dean with some neat touches, close control and the opening goal, courtesy of a weak clearance by Matthew Upson.
Coming up tomorrow – Portsmouth v Man Utd. We don’t have a great record on the south coast so if United lose there might be a delay in posting. Let’s hope it’s more like the games at Old Trafford than the ones at Fratton Park!
Sir Alex and 'Arry Redknapp share a quiet moment.
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